sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
YAS. BRING CRAB.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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