it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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