my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
