I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Vodka?
Forever.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
