i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
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I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
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Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
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