On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
