i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
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