Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Randomize
