my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
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I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
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I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
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