I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
