I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
