The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
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