I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
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Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
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the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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