mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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