tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
