I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Randomize
