Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize
