my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Holy sore nipples Batman
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
