I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
How's work?
Spinning.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
