Where did you get a picture of my penis
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
