but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
