I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
