I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
