You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
