Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
