Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
