please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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