I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
