i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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