Where are you???
With some dude on the way to his house to blaze
You went back to a stranger's house????
He isn't a stranger...he used to be on kids, inc.
I love LA.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
