this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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