Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
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