hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
