do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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