My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
