All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
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