It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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