I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
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