Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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