Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
