Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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