Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
