I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
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