Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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