I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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