It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
