we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Randomize
