Just fell off a train. Bad.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.