I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
23 People Noticed Deal Breakers in Their Partner A Little Too Late
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
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