You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I checked into jail on foursquare
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
