I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off