Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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