But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.