mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
