Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
my shit smells like andre
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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