I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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