: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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